She was in mine too and this is how that went…
One thing about infidelity is that it requires just compensation. Our husband’s or Wive’s pay that by choosing us and rejecting the the AP and ending the affair, but the AP’s don’t always easily go away. The longer the AP holds on and tries to get the unfaithful husband or wife back, the harder it is to let them go. Even if they go easily, it’s still not easy, because although they may no longer be a threat; their memory can be a threat for some time. Usually that comes in the form of nightmares, intense anger, intrusive thoughts, and even PTSD. Depending on how severe your triggers and possible PTSD is, it can take awhile to move forward. It’s a marathon not a sprint according to Leslie at Affair Recovery.
Forgiveness is a whole other level and not even in the cards for many for awhile. I coach toward future forgiveness, but that’s a personal choice. It’s really hard to get the AP out of your head!!
Some things that may help:
Write her or him a letter, get it all out on paper; but you don’t have to send it. We recommend not engaging with them at all. It doesn’t bring the closure you seek.
I journal verbally and let it all out in a recording. I need to speak my feelings.
It will take awhile, but stop looking at the proof and their social media. This is so hard because for so long we have a wall blocking everything about the AP and d-day breaks down that wall and we want to see into their world. Sometimes to torture ourselves or see what our spouse saw in them or what they are doing now. Let me assure you, you are enough! She/He is nothing you would ever want to be. Affairs are about escaping and fantasy. Our spouses liked the way this person made them feel, but it wasn’t real. It is a fleeting fantasy that is chemically driven most of the time with Limerence. It cannot compare to the intimacy you two can have if you get in recovery and heal properly with expert help.
The AP is taking up space rent free in your head and one day, you will be ready to kick them out…in your time. It took me a long, long time to forgive her. Nearly 4 years honestly. I had to forgive someone who wasn’t sorry or remorseful because it was destroying me. She thinks he only chose me for the kids. He has proven that’s not true, he’s amazing now!! She tried for nearly 3 years off and on to contact him and me. She wanted to convince me that he would always love her. She was his high school girlfriend, but she eventually she gave up. He had to reject over and over and finally write her a pretty nasty letter to seal the deal (not suggested, but this was necessary for us and for deeper healing for me).
I hated her with a seething hatred. I was so very angry at the fact that she ever “replaced” me. She was amoeba scum to me. However, the way I felt about her didn’t make her lose sleep, but I didn’t sleep for 2 years. I had terrible nightmares and was triggered by songs, places, and memories. I felt naive and couldn’t forgive myself for awhile. The affair was in my face in many ways. My other blog has the entire story, but it was so entangled that our entire families were involved.
To forgive her and let her go was the hardest thing I have ever done. It was also the most freeing thing and truly released me from the bitterness that was killing me physically, spiritually, and emotionally. It took time, healing, support, Trauma Therapy/ EMDR, prayer, and a lot of humility to get there. Not everyone does, but I was determined to not let her steal any more of my life. 5 years later I’m free of her and I feel safe in my marriage. We have a marriage that is so much better than it ever was. We are healed, trust is restored (not blindly), and the intimacy is so much deeper than I could have ever imagined. 5 years ago today I wasn’t sure my Marriage was gonna make it. Now I can embrace my story and give God the glory. I don’t despise it, because it has transformed me and my life and our Marriage There is HOPE!! It’s just a long road to get there.
Infidelity Recovery Coach Kimberly
UNBROKEN TOGETHER INFIDELITY RECOVERY 