D-Day 7/8/2015

Defined or Refined?

I shared this with the betrayed spouses we coach, so I thought I would share it here too.

In our situation the affair was unfortunate, but our marriage needed to be shattered by something to wake us up. It was going to die a slow death otherwise. We probably wouldn’t be married today had this not happened and we hadn’t made huge changes in our relationship and our lives. I can say now that I hate that it was an affair, however, I’m able to see it as a part of our story that I no longer despise.

It doesn’t define us, it refined us. 💎

Everyone has their hard. Some people have it in a different way with terminal illnesses, losing a child, or something else that is horrific. This was our hard and it was powerful enough to transform everything. It reset the clock for us to have the marriage we always wanted. Was it my choice that it happened this way, no and that’s not fair; but it is reality that this is what brought us to a better place together.

Was it fun to heal and have to heal from this, NO! However; I’m a better, stronger, more resilient person with more purpose and a a greater understanding of so many things now. I think that is something to be proud of and it may take time and radical acceptance, but you may see it in a similar way someday. This takes a mind shift, because in some cases; this is the situation that broke you and fixed you as well. Not every situation; but many that I know of.

If we continue to allow resentment and contempt to keep us in the past; we become a memorial to our past and that steals our present and future. ❤️‍🩹

More Discovery or Trickle Truth: New Information or A New Event?

If it’s a new event, then evaluate it and determine what action to take. Relapse needs to be dealt with quickly and I recommend expert help. An unhealthy spouse thinks they can recover on their own, it’s rarely successful.

New events are sometimes new betrayals and it’s up to you how you handle those. What are your deal breakers, criteria, boundaries, and consequences for new events/ new betrayals? What is your line in the sand and how will you enforce these things?

If it’s new information you have to determine how you deal with that. You may find out “old” things for awhile. Trickle Truth is very common and where there is deception there is still FEAR.

I saw new information like peeling an onion I already had; not getting a whole new onion to peel. These layers help you get to the full truth and the center of it all. I personally didn’t have consequences for new information and did my best to make it a safe place for the truth. As the truth was revealed the walls of deception fell and the walls between us started coming down too. Transparency fosters greater intimacy!

“Pain Shopping” is not recommended, but understandable. If you dig, you will likely find things. How long you dig and look for stuff is a personal choice. There comes a time when it can be counter productive to healing & reconciliation if your spouse is doing recovery work and showing real changes.

There is no way to go back and change the past no matter how much you find. If you’re doing the right kind of recovery work, this will get better sooner than later. It takes time and a safe and competent spouse to help you feel safe enough to let go of the need to do that.

If it’s a memory or reminder, work through it. Learn some grounding techniques and process through your emotions. Get trauma therapy or other expert help if you need it.

You may be triggered in recovery for years. It gets better, but it still comes up at times. I’m 8 years out and still have triggers at times. That’s trauma, it isn’t as simple as just get over it. You must do healing work to overcome these intrusive thoughts, memories, reminders, and feelings.

Community is a game changer in recovery and when trying to save your marriage. We have walked the path before you; so we know what you are facing. Let us guide you and help you. Don’t take this journey alone and in the dark due to fear and shame.

https://m.facebook.com/groups/611277987095158/?ref=share&mibextid=S66gvF

There is no judgement here!

Reconciliation Support Group for Betrayed Spouses

https://m.facebook.com/groups/611277987095158/?ref=share&mibextid=S66gvF

Both Spouses must want reconciliation to join this group.

THE WANT TO

This may be controversial and hard to hear, but I’m going to be very open and straight with you.

Disclaimer:

Think of this blog as a table:
If it’s something you like and it can help you; take from it, if not you can choose not to and that’s OK!

This is not advice, this is my personal experience I’m sharing. You choose what path you take with the information you receive. I would never tell anyone to give an ultimatum, but I did. The outcome of what you choose to do only impacts you, not anyone else here; so it’s a very personal path. I’ve been where you are so I truly get it. My husband also didn’t want to get help at first. No one wants to look at the man in the mirror. No one wants to face their shame and what they did to hurt their spouse and family. They just want to move forward. The unfaithful feels better, because it’s not in their head and their burden anymore. They have proverbially vomited it all over you and now it’s in your head and it’s a burden for you to carry. Some expect you to just keep it on you, have it weigh you down, and will not help you clean it off.

So I have to ask, if the shoe was on the other foot; what would they expect from you? Honestly, most men wouldn’t even try to save the marriage. Men typically won’t reconcile with a cheating wife. (I’ve had many male clients tell me they would not stay if their wife cheated and they don’t understand how or why their wife is choosing to stay). Women are resilient and we can handle a lot, but at what point do your needs start to matter?

My Story:

After dealing with his behavior and her in my life for so long….I was so tired of the merry go round I was on and I wanted change at any cost!! I wanted her out of my life for good!!! That’s what being fed up does to someone. I was even willing to lose him or upset him when I got to this point. I WAS NOT always that way. I was controlled by my FEAR for years. I chose to close my eyes, because I wasn’t ready to be bold and get strong.

Then I took my focus off of him and I started working on me! I got strong 💪🏻 and healthy for ME, not for him or our marriage. For 3.5 years prior to that I WAS A DOORMAT that allowed things. It’s true….what you allow will continue.

It is crucial that you consider the outcome of whatever you choose to do or say:

YOU have to change the dance!

Sometimes it can backfire on you so you must be ready for any outcome. If you have an ambivalent spouse, it’s very important to make sure you are ready for whatever happens as a result. This is a very personal decision. Timing is important to consider as well. Each situation is unique and not everything works for everyone. That’s why I gave the table analogy. That’s also why I explained that I wasn’t always ready to do what I ultimately did. I had to be ready and so did he.

They MUST have THE WANT TO!

Why I wrote this:

One of the things that I hear the most lately is that he doesn’t like therapy/talking about it or doesn’t want to do the work. The sad thing is without THE WORK and WORKING THROUGH IT TOGETHER; there is little hope for true long term and lasting recovery. Whether it be therapy, counseling, coaching, a recovery program or some other type of expert help; it’s crucial to getting through this as a thriving couple. It can be better than it’s ever been. I’ve seen this in many marriages! In every single one the work was done on both sides and as a couple.

The unfaithful spouse may choose to not get help, that’s their choice; but they too have consequences for that choice if you choose a different path as a result of that choice. They can say no, you can accept their NO and allow it, but at some point life may change as a result of that choice.

I have to honestly ask…why does he/she get the choice? At what point do you say this is what I need and what I need matters? Did he ask you how you felt about what he thought he needed when he decided to look outside of your marriage? They could have said let’s get help together, but he didn’t and that’s why you qualify for a blog like this. I’m so sorry that you do. 💔

It is possible that a couple can make it and live in “pretend normal” and even “survive” with out expert help and the work. It’s possible, but will you thrive? Unfortunately, not from what I’ve seen in my experience as an Infidelity Recovery Coach for the past few years. ❤️‍🩹

It’s very rare that a man will reach out on his own for help, but it does happen at times. I believe that is when he truly is ready to do the work and make changes. To expect him to do that is setting yourself up for disappointment in most cases. Men don’t usually reach out until there is PAIN or LOSS involved. You may have to lead recovery efforts and seek help until there is a shift in him and he’s ready to do that. For my husband that took about 7 months after discovery/d-day.

Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.
~ Tony Robbins

When I required change, things changed. I drew my line in the sand and said my needs are important!! That’s when my husband made the choice to get on board and take control of his own recovery. It made all the difference. My husband developed emotional IQ and empathy for my pain. He grew as a person, a partner, and even a father. He’s a better man for it! Was I scared? Oh, yes I was!! He could have went back to her and she tried many times (unsuccessfully) to get him to. I had to face my fear and say no more!! No matter what I was not allowing complacency anymore.

Our recovery required expert help and support. I needed to see true transformation to continue reconciling. He had invested in his affair for 3 years and I needed to see him invest in US!! If he had refused to, we likely wouldn’t be together today.

Real Change and Recovery after infidelity is not organic, it doesn’t just happen on its own. That’s unrealistic and why relapses happen. Men that don’t have a healthy distrust in themselves and good boundaries and coping skills are very vulnerable to “falling off the wagon.” It’s just like any other addiction or vice, it takes work and if you work it, it works!

Wisdom From The Other Side

8 years later….this is what I’ve learned:

A remorseful spouse will continue to fight for the marriage for the years it takes to recover. From what I’ve seen the unremorseful spouse can’t make it past a year. In fact, usually by month 3 they are telling you to get over it and back to locking their phones and hiding. So take your time and watch for the behavioral changes to be permanent.

Giving it a year was the best advice I was given as I had to see legitimate behavioral changes to continue. If you are seeing no behavioral changes; we can understand your frustration.

If he/she is unwilling to do the work this does not mean you stop working on yourself. If you are heading towards the exit door do so from a place of strength. Sometimes that actually intrigues them and they get on board with recovery and getting the right help.

Do you have any friends to start doing things with? Do you have hobbies that are separate from him that you can involve yourself in? Find your life again!! Reinvent yourself, have fun, and do the things you love!

In terms of forgiveness, please relax on that one. Trying to force yourself to forgive something so huge is often very difficult. Give yourself the time it takes to get there. It will happen if/when you’re truly ready. Until then consider it and work on healing yourself wholly.

If you work it, it works!

This may be controversial and hard to hear, but I’m going to be very open and straight with you all:

Disclaimer:

Think of this blog as a table:

If it’s something you like and it can help you; take from it, if not you can choose not to and that’s OK!

This is not advice, this is my personal experience I’m sharing. You choose what path you take with the information you receive. I would never tell anyone to give an ultimatum, but I did. The outcome of what you choose to do only impacts you, not anyone else here; so it’s a very personal path. I’ve been where you are so I truly get it. My husband also didn’t want to get help at first. No one wants to look at the man in the mirror. No one wants to face their shame and what they did to hurt their spouse and family. They just want to move forward. The unfaithful feels better, because it’s not in their head and their burden anymore. They have proverbially vomited it all over you and now it’s in your head and it’s a burden for you to carry. Some expect you to just keep it on you, have it weigh you down, and will not help you clean it off.

So I have to ask, if the shoe was on the other foot; what would they expect from you? Honestly, most men wouldn’t even try to save the marriage. Men typically won’t reconcile with a cheating wife. (I’ve had many male clients tell me they would not stay if their wife cheated and they don’t understand how or why their wife is choosing to stay). Women are resilient and we can handle a lot, but at what point do your needs start to matter?

My Story:

After dealing with his behavior and her in my life for so long….I was so tired of the merry go round I was on and I wanted change at any cost!! I wanted her out of my life for good!!! That’s what being fed up does to someone. I was even willing to lose him or upset him when I got to this point. I WAS NOT always that way. I was controlled by my FEAR for years. I chose to close my eyes, because I wasn’t ready to be bold and get strong.

Then I took my focus off of him and I started working on me! I got strong 💪🏻 and healthy for ME, not for him or our marriage. For 3.5 years prior to that I WAS A DOORMAT that allowed things. It’s true….what you allow will continue.

YOU have to change the dance! Sometimes it can backfire on you so you must be ready for any outcome. If you have an ambivalent spouse, it’s very important to make sure you are ready for whatever happens as a result. This is a very personal decision. Timing is important to consider as well. Each situation is unique and not everything works for everyone. That’s why I gave the table analogy. That’s also why I explained that I wasn’t always ready to do what I ultimately did. I had to be ready and so did he.

Why I wrote this:

One of the things that I hear the most lately is that he/she doesn’t like therapy/talking about it or doesn’t want to do the work. The sad thing is without THE WORK and WORKING THROUGH IT TOGETHER; there is little hope for true long term and lasting recovery. Whether it be therapy, counseling, coaching, a recovery program or some other type of expert help; it’s crucial to getting through this as a thriving couple. It can be better than it’s ever been. I’ve seen this in many marriages! In every single one the work was done on both sides and as a couple.

The unfaithful spouse may choose to not get help, that’s their choice; but they too have consequences for that choice if you choose a different path as a result of that choice. They can say no, you can accept their NO and allow it, but at some point life may change as a result of that choice.

I have to honestly ask…why do they get the choice? At what point do you say this is what I need and what I need matters? Did they ask you how you felt about what he thought he needed when he decided to look outside of your marriage? They could have said let’s get help together, but he didn’t and that’s why you qualify for a blog like this. I’m so sorry that you do. 💔

It is possible that a couple can make it and live in “pretend normal” and even “survive” with out expert help and the work. It’s possible, but will you thrive? Unfortunately, not from what I’ve seen in my experience as an Infidelity Recovery Coach for the past few years. ❤️‍🩹

It’s rare that a man will reach out on his own for help, but it does happen. I believe that is when he truly is ready to do the work and make changes. To expect him to do that is setting yourself up for disappointment in most cases. Men don’t usually reach out until there is PAIN or LOSS involved.

Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.
~ Tony Robbins

When I required change, things changed. I drew my line in the sand and said my needs are important!! That’s when my husband made the choice to get on board and take control of his own recovery. It made all the difference. My husband developed emotional IQ and empathy for my pain. He grew as a person, a partner, and even a father. He’s a better man for it! Was I scared? Oh, yes I was!! He could have went back to her and she tried many times (unsuccessfully) to get him to. I had to face my fear and say no more!! No matter what I was not allowing complacency anymore.

Our recovery required expert help and support. I needed to see true transformation to continue reconciling. He had invested in his affair for 3 years and I needed to see him invest in US!! If he had refused to, we likely wouldn’t be together today.

Real Change and Recovery after infidelity is not organic, it doesn’t just happen on its own. That’s unrealistic and why relapses happen. Men that don’t have a healthy distrust in themselves and good boundaries and coping skills are very vulnerable to “falling off the wagon.” It’s just like any other addiction or vice, it takes work and if you work it, it works!

Are you Interested or Invested?

A MUST READ if you are fighting for your marriage

You are in the fight of your life. Are you interested or invested in this fight? Interested is feelings based, but being invested is action based!!!

I’ve listed some action steps below:

Interested- showing curiosity or concern about something or someone; having a FEELING of interest.

Invested- to give (time or effort) in order to DO something or MAKE something better.

This fight cannot be based on feelings, because they ebb and flow and are not always factual. This fight must be based on COMMITTING to ACTION. What will you do to make it better/not make it worse?

How to Fight: If you truly want to save your marriage and your spouse is taking steps to become safe and healthy. If they aren’t there yet, you can tweak this list to fit your unique situation.

1- Commit to the fight (Get Invested)
Don’t just be an interested spectator as your life hangs in the balance. Be Invested- to give (time or effort) in order to DO something or MAKE something better. Take action in your fight. Work on you, control the things you can control, let go of the things you cannot, and don’t waver in your stance.

2- FOCUS on what YOU need to do.
Take care of yourself, get help/support/community/trauma therapy, do your PIES – Joe Beam

3- Breath!!! Breath deeply, relax, self care, yoga, meditation, prayer; whatever works for you!
Just Breath!!

4- Walk don’t run!!! Take baby steps. This is a long road and you will exhaust yourself if you try to run in the beginning. Gain momentum and then you can run to the finish line!!

5- Don’t let your vision be obstructed. Keep your eye on where you want to go. Don’t focus on the climb, focus on the summit!! The experts suggest you give it a year and a real shot at making it through this. A lot can change in a year!! Set short term attainable goals. Then set longer term goals as you achieve those. Just keep swimming….

6- Lean into your spouse. As much as it hurts and what they did is unjust and awful; if they are working on recovery and providing safety that is a really good thing. Trust takes a long time to re-build. Recognize that your spouse is not your enemy and lean into them. Many experts say that the one who hurt us has great capacity to help heal us. Allow yourself to be vulnerable in time. Break down those walls between you and let intimacy (being fully known) flourish into something new!!

7- Have good quality back up- Community is so very important as are support systems, expert help, trauma therapy, coaching, recovery programs, or anything else that can help you endure this fight to the end and give you the strength to keep fighting when you want to throw in the towel. The clincher…you must apply it! You can get the best help in the world and if you don’t apply it; what’s it worth? Don’t be a drain on your resources by allowing it to go in one ear and out the other, make it count and try the things suggested to you. It might just surprise you!!

8- Believe that you are an overcomer and you will be victorious no matter what!! It may not look like you thought it would. It may not turn out like you hope it will, but you will survive and I hope you not only survive; but THRIVE through this and truly gain so much more than you ever lost in this battle.

Nothing is perfect, but it can get better! 6 years later…I still DO! 💔💍❤️

D-Day – 7/8/2015 – 6 years later…I’m glad I stayed!

Our kids were 11 years old and 15 months old when I found proof of my husband’s affair. They are why I stayed at first. This was a couple of weeks after d-day and over my dead body was that woman going to touch their lives! Yes, I was hurting and it was hard and painful, but they needed us together. Billy was also choosing me and our family and making changes, but it took time. My husband still struggled with Limerence for 3 more months, but I have NO regrets that she has zero fingerprints on their lives now. I stood firm in my decision and we did the work together to heal and find a way forward. Now we help others do the same.

The little bit that J remembers has not impacted him or the way he views his dad and C was too young to remember anything. They are the reason I fought so hard and stood through it all. Today, they have parents who are truly intimately connected in a way we never were before. We love our kids, but put our marriage first because that’s actually better and more healthy for them. Your marriage must outlast your kids!!!

We are not perfect by any means, this is as good as it gets and it’s really good. Don’t seek perfection, you’ll be searching for it to no avail. Our marriage was bad before, so yes it’s so much better, but there is no holy grail. There is no wishing this away or pretending it didn’t happen. It’s our reality. That takes coming to acceptance and to get there, it takes grieving what you thought you had in your old marriage allowing that to die; that’s not easy for a lot of people.

I have hard days at times, I get angry at times, I cry when I’m triggered, I remember; but it doesn’t define me or us anymore. Life is no longer about what he did, it’s about what we are doing now. That’s what makes the difference. What will you choose to do now? What changes will you both make? What can you both do to make things new? That’s the key, making each day brand new!!!

If you want it to go away…I’m sorry it just doesn’t. It’s part of your story. It’s going to shape your life in one way or another. The pain won’t just go away. No one can take it away, but it gets much better as you work through it and take the time you need to do that. Don’t rush through this process. Baby steps are the best way to walk this journey.

This will change you, let it change you for the better. Let it give you a clean slate and a new beginning to build the marriage you both desire. This restarts the clock like no other life event can. The great news is that YOU get to decide what you want that to look like!

6 years later….I still Do!💔💍❤️

A Roadmap to Recovery:

In the early days, just breathe, Cry, release it, just let go with the hurt. The longer you try to keep it in – the longer it will hurt you. Process through your emotions. Do not suppress your emotions or grief or it may come back to bite you later. Hurting people often hurt other people. Not intentionally, but it happens.

Be kind to yourself: Take some time out to grieve. Try not to drive yourself nuts with the ‘why’ questions…. there is no good answer. There is nothing rational about this, especially Limerence. It’s NOT rational and there is no making sense of it.

Details: Knowing them will NOT help your healing. Initially, you will probably feel like you want to know everything… what they did… where they did it… what they said… everything…. But it will NOT help you. It can actually cause more PTSD/PISD if it creates pictures in your mind.

That being said – if there is something you absolutely must know – your partner needs to be willing to supply details. Be ready for them not to want to. Believe it or not – they are ashamed of what they have done, and no one likes to be forced to verbalize or deal with their shame. This is why you need expert help. A good recovery program that allows you to talk about what happened is often very beneficial. Many therapists won’t allow affair talk as they will focus you both on the present and future and urge you to let go of the past. That’s ok to do once what happened has been worked through thoroughly; but if it’s not…it could prolong healing if you go in that direction.

Communication. When talking with your partner, try to use sentences that start with “I feel….” or “I need…” instead of attacking and starting sentences with “You….” If you attack – your partner will jump to defensiveness and then the result will likely be unresolved conflict.

Monitoring and Privacy. To move forward and heal – there needs to be total transparency and absolute accountability between you and your partner. They need to disclose passwords, codes, everything that requires security. Seek the right kind of safe support and guard your heart against any temptations. You are vulnerable!

Ups and Downs. There are going to be lots of them. They are not going to be perfect. They are going to mess up, they are not healthy. But how you handle that is up to you. Try not to attach everything you’re going through to every circumstance. You will have reminders and triggers, but it does get better…it just takes time.

For the longest time, I wanted my husband to feel exactly how hurt/betrayed/devastated I was…the clincher Is that he will NEVER feel how hurt I was, because he’s not me. He will NEVER know how he devastated my world with his actions, because he’s not me. He will never feel my pain – because it’s mine. Even if I did the exact same thing to him – it would hurt him – but that’s his hurt. He’s a different person, and he hurts differently. This process is personal. You cannot force someone to recover like you would if you were them. Empathy is important, but it may not be your kind of empathy or what you feel is good enough, but don’t reject it. They need help to get it!!

If you compare yourself to the affair partner and think things like – you’re not as thin, or pretty, or handsome, or whatever….. STOP. It is not about them. It never was. They could have been anyone who was there at the right time saying the right things. They are no comparison to you and never were. They accepted second best – which is all they deserved. Pretty sad when you think about it. Who would ever want to settle for scraps and being a secret? They are nothing you would ever want to be.

Your spouse likes/liked the way this person makes/made them feel about themselves. It’s not about that person or who they are, what they look like, or anything like that. This is about broken people seeking something/someone to validate them and make them feel better about themselves. That’s what affairs are, they are fantasy bubbles of selfishness.

You can’t control other people and you can’t change the past. But what you CAN control is how you think and how you react. It’s easy to let your emotions and hurt and anger start off like a runaway train…. but the more you think about those things…. the worse it gets. So anytime those things start to cross your mind…. just stop. Say it out loud if you have to. Just look in the mirror and say STOP IT. Then redirect your thoughts to happy things.

Grace: Something happened along the line somewhere and your partner sought something from someone else, that’s not your fault. This happens for a variety of reasons that have nothing to do with you. My husband and I were completely disconnected. I was miserable. He was miserable. But I never in a million years thought he would do what he did…. But he did. She came along and told him what he wanted to hear and she heard him too and gave him what he wasn’t getting from me. In my situation I was responsible for part of the breakdown in our marriage. I can own that now. So guess what? I wasn’t perfect. Our marriage wasn’t perfect. I had work to do on me. His affair was not my fault, but my healing was still my responsibility. His healing was also his responsibility.

Hope: It’s very hard to see it in the early days…. but there IS hope. You CAN have a marriage that is better than what you had before. For the longest time… I used to think and say…. I just want my husband back. I just want my marriage back. But the reality is – you don’t. You don’t want the broken marriage back. It’s done. It’s over and it wasn’t all good – because this is what happened. So stop longing for something that was broken. Start a new one. Today. Now. Make it the start of something BETTER than what you had before. Be CLOSER to your partner than you were. LISTEN to them more than you did. TALK and express what you need and what they need. Check in with them regularly to make sure you’re on the same page.

If he chooses to do this again – it’s on him.
I’ll be okay. I’ve survived this – I can survive anything. There are NO guarantees. To love is to be vulnerable.

~ To hope & healing ❤

How do I recognize unhealthy mind frames and unsafe behaviors in my unfaithful spouse/previously unfaithful spouse?

If they still think they can do the things (even seemingly innocent activities) or anything you consider unsafe they did during the affair. These behavior patterns are hard to break! Remember you are the “healthier” spouse that can see more clearly, especially if they are still limerent. Example: My husband still thought for a couple of months that it would be ok to go to bars without me as long as it was not a bar they went to together and it was close to home. When he got healthy; HE set the boundary himself and realized that was never going to be safe or healthy ever again. I tried to tell him this many times, but he had to start seeing it for himself.

When they refuse to be transparent, accountable, or willing to learn. Those that won’t give passwords or phone access as well as those who won’t be accountable about their whereabouts and refuse to do any kind of recovery work, read books/articles, watch videos, or be open to getting the right help. If they refuse to do anything at all; that’s a sign that there is complacency and not a desire for growth or change. Many fight this part of the process; because of fear of losing both their AP and their spouse. If there is nothing to hide; there is no reason to hide.

Consistent defensive behavior. Once in awhile is understandable, but if it continues for awhile without getting better; that’s a sign of someone not getting it. Lack of empathy is very common, because they have only been thinking of themselves for awhile and it’s hard to change that mind set. Sometimes it takes the right help to gain empathy and true understanding. There are exercises and activities we use to help them start getting it. Sometimes this takes time, but it always takes willingness to consider what was lost due to their actions and their choices. The impact is something they must start to recognize and acknowledge.

Someone who won’t break 100% contact with the AP and give the attention to the marriage that it requires. This will take 30-90 days. The brain has to detox from a powerful chemical cocktail that feels so good! They will often get depressed or really sad as this happens, because of the intense chemical changes in the brain. This is why doing a recovery program with someone or even a group that understands this can be very helpful. Hope for Healing or EMS weekend are my suggestions. It will connect them with others in their same situation and help them see that they aren’t the only ones in this situation.

Hiding is a behavior that has been honed and must stop. This behavior is often learned at a young age. In most cases; for some reason it wasn’t safe to be honest so they learned to hide. Some became so good at it that it is second nature and they may not even recognize it as hiding anymore.

There can never be any kind of contact with the AP EVER again. That’s hard for me those that had a deep emotional connection with the AP. They will likely have to grieve this loss of the connection/friendship/bond. This is where hysterical bonding may be helpful as you re-bond and re-connect. Any contact with the AP usurps the process of fully letting go and giving their ALL to the marriage. They have to come to terms with the fact it is 100% over and they can never next, chat, talk to, see, or hear from this person in ANY aspect EVER again. Some will self loath and plateau here without expert help. Many also have to give up things that connect them to the AP. Examples we have seen: Changing Jobs, changing churches, moving, letting go of mutual friends, changing lifestyles, leaving gyms/sports/activities, stop going to bars, and cutting ALL contact with anyone who knew about the affair and supported it. If they are serious about recovery and saving the marriage; there must be an understanding and they must be willing to do whatever it takes to provide safety. This can take time, but it does happen if they truly want to get there.

Someone who is still lying in any way. Lies, hiding, and even omission is considered deception. Deception is secrets and secrets are the enemy of intimacy. Trickle truth is painful, but often the way they start to open up little by little. They are terrified to let it all out, because of the uncertainty of the betrayed spouses reaction to the full truth. Being FULLY known is intimacy (Into- Me-See). Once those walls start to fall and they feel safe; they will open up more and more. It’s rare that someone so unhealthy can just be 100% forthcoming right away. To have that expectation will usually lead to frustration and disappointment.

Someone who’s just not trending up over time. They will either start getting better and trending up or they won’t and if they are not getting better; there still may be work to be done. Some really need guidance and a safe place to talk about it with someone they aren’t hurting by doing that. If they refuse to talk about it; it’s usually because they are afraid of seeing how what they did causes you pain and anguish. This is because there is deep underlying shame. Until the Shame is dealt with; they may not be ready to see themselves in an authentic way and see the destruction their actions created.